Wow. I was riveted by this. Learning about the structures of the brain affected by anxiety in particular: “So, if your working memory is ‘working’ on the worry-related thoughts, then less working memory capacity is available to attend to tasks important for your job or activities you are trying to complete.”
There is also what I guess is a milder, less debilitating form of depressive anxiety, which is what I have. It manifests as a hyper vigilance about whatever can go wrong. (You don’t want to go on an overseas trip with me). It has resulted in a highly paid career as a corporate credit analyst. That’s the job, to anticipate what could go wrong. It included contemplating even the most far fetched scenarios (what we used to call “tail risks”) if the loan docs and bond indentures permitted them to happen. When asked what I did, I used to say “I am a professional Eyeore.” The best people at this type of work were not necessarily the smartest, but the most depressed.
I’m told that, in the wild, monkeys observed to have a depressive affect serve an important function in alerting the rest of the monkey troop to potential danger.
I guess my point is that this condition has at its origin some evolutionary purpose. There is still so much to know.
I’m going to save this one to reread and share. You should know that your indelible writing here on Substack despite this illness is very inspiring.
As someone who takes both an antidepressant and anti anxiety medication every day to try to keep the monsters at bay I am sorry to hear about your situation.
I’m sorry you are living with this. I know it sucks. Luckily, we were born in time to reap the benefits of modern science…
FMRI’s opened up the world of neuroscience, finally. Neuroscience has discovered some great things, and combined with the latest developments in trauma theory, there’s new ways of helping people finally heal. Trauma rewires the brain for constant vigilance, and you can’t heal a traumatized nervous system using logic. If telling myself “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” over and over again was going to work, I’d have been “cured” decades ago. Talk therapy is useless. All the meds I was put on turned me into a zombie.
The thing that’s worked for me is Somatic Experiencing therapy and Internal Family Systems therapy, both of which are recent developments. I just wish my father had lived to reap the benefits. He suffered, his whole life.
Gordon, thank you for writing this with such raw honesty. It takes a lot of guts to put this out there so bluntly, but the stigma only loses its power when people stop hiding it.
As someone who lives in the thick of GAD, cPTSD, and MDD every single day, so much of what you wrote here didn't just resonate... it hit on a skeletal level. Specifically, your description of how a childhood memory instantly transports you back into the body of a helpless, trembling seven-year-old boy. People who haven't experienced trauma might miss that cPTSD is basically a terrifyingly efficient time machine. You can have all the adult logic, self-talk, and rational evidence in the world stacked up in front of you, but when an old trigger pulls the lever, the brain completely uncouples from the present. The physical panic response takes over, and suddenly you're just a kid trying to survive it all over again.
Your call-out of the well-meaning but utterly useless advice like "just relax" or "focus on the positives," and my all-time personal favorite (not), "just snap out of it," (I know, it's not in the piece, but stick a fork in me, LOL) was also incredibly validating to read. When you are dealing with structural, neurochemical, and trauma-based storms, those platitudes are maddening. It’s like looking at someone with a compound fracture and telling them to just think happy thoughts and the bone will slide back into place.
It actually made me think about your mention of creative expression as a lifeline. For those of us running these kinds of internal marathons, that creative output feels more like a vital oxygen supply to stay grounded, and less like a hobby. I'd love to know... when the anxiety is spinning or the depression threatens to flatten everything, do you find it harder to get to the page, or does the writing become the very thing that helps you pull yourself out of the spiral?
As far as your question — it’s an interesting one. Once the anxiety takes hold, it’s hard for me to “get out of my own head” and do anything creative. Sometimes I have the energy to force myself to start (after which it usually helps), sometimes not. It depends on how severe the attack is, and how soon I catch it.
Thank you for this. What you've written is logical, relatable, and affirming for those of us who suffer from mental illness of any kind.
I have found that trying to explain any of this to my (extended) family exacerbates the symptoms until they are excessively debilitating. Being told to "just snap out of it," or "get over yourself," or "so what, I have a sore toe, but I don't let it stop me," does not help. In fact, it causes more anxiety and underscores the feelings of helplessness and fear.
We should, all of us, treat those with crippling mental illness with the same compassion, patience, and understanding that we treat someone with cancer, blindness, or MS. We need to bear in mind that no one asks for any illness, and we all want to be whole and healthy.
Thank you for sharing this, it is important for us to have a better understanding and more compassion for mental illness. I suffer from depression and anxiety which came to a head about 3 and a half years ago and thankfully I was prescribed a suitable SSRI, generally this manages my symptoms well although I do have good days and bad days. One of the side effects is weight gain and I’m currently heavier than I’ve ever been and find it difficult to lose it, but I also know that the benefit of the meds outweigh the weight gain. I do exercise regularly so I am relatively healthy. Anyway enough about me. Keep fighting, keep talking about it and I hope your asthma is something that can be controlled
I'm sorry you're having to live with that. I used to have agoraphobia with panic attacks and could barely leave my apartment. No amount of therapy seemed to help much. I was fortunate to eventually find a medication that worked for me, and it was completely life-changing. No more panic attacks. I'm still anxious, but between the medication and therapy, I can lead a relatively normal life now.
It is indeed biological, and we definitely need to talk about it more! Thank you for sharing even while feeling vulnerable. 🙏
Wow. I was riveted by this. Learning about the structures of the brain affected by anxiety in particular: “So, if your working memory is ‘working’ on the worry-related thoughts, then less working memory capacity is available to attend to tasks important for your job or activities you are trying to complete.”
There is also what I guess is a milder, less debilitating form of depressive anxiety, which is what I have. It manifests as a hyper vigilance about whatever can go wrong. (You don’t want to go on an overseas trip with me). It has resulted in a highly paid career as a corporate credit analyst. That’s the job, to anticipate what could go wrong. It included contemplating even the most far fetched scenarios (what we used to call “tail risks”) if the loan docs and bond indentures permitted them to happen. When asked what I did, I used to say “I am a professional Eyeore.” The best people at this type of work were not necessarily the smartest, but the most depressed.
I’m told that, in the wild, monkeys observed to have a depressive affect serve an important function in alerting the rest of the monkey troop to potential danger.
I guess my point is that this condition has at its origin some evolutionary purpose. There is still so much to know.
I’m going to save this one to reread and share. You should know that your indelible writing here on Substack despite this illness is very inspiring.
Thank you so, so very much, not only for your bravery in sharing your own struggles, but for your kind words about my writing. Cheers!
As someone who takes both an antidepressant and anti anxiety medication every day to try to keep the monsters at bay I am sorry to hear about your situation.
It’s just… hard. But you’re not alone.
Oh, I know. I become completely anti-social if things get out of whack.
I’m sorry you are living with this. I know it sucks. Luckily, we were born in time to reap the benefits of modern science…
FMRI’s opened up the world of neuroscience, finally. Neuroscience has discovered some great things, and combined with the latest developments in trauma theory, there’s new ways of helping people finally heal. Trauma rewires the brain for constant vigilance, and you can’t heal a traumatized nervous system using logic. If telling myself “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” over and over again was going to work, I’d have been “cured” decades ago. Talk therapy is useless. All the meds I was put on turned me into a zombie.
The thing that’s worked for me is Somatic Experiencing therapy and Internal Family Systems therapy, both of which are recent developments. I just wish my father had lived to reap the benefits. He suffered, his whole life.
Wishing you peace and healing, my friend.
Gordon, thank you for writing this with such raw honesty. It takes a lot of guts to put this out there so bluntly, but the stigma only loses its power when people stop hiding it.
As someone who lives in the thick of GAD, cPTSD, and MDD every single day, so much of what you wrote here didn't just resonate... it hit on a skeletal level. Specifically, your description of how a childhood memory instantly transports you back into the body of a helpless, trembling seven-year-old boy. People who haven't experienced trauma might miss that cPTSD is basically a terrifyingly efficient time machine. You can have all the adult logic, self-talk, and rational evidence in the world stacked up in front of you, but when an old trigger pulls the lever, the brain completely uncouples from the present. The physical panic response takes over, and suddenly you're just a kid trying to survive it all over again.
Your call-out of the well-meaning but utterly useless advice like "just relax" or "focus on the positives," and my all-time personal favorite (not), "just snap out of it," (I know, it's not in the piece, but stick a fork in me, LOL) was also incredibly validating to read. When you are dealing with structural, neurochemical, and trauma-based storms, those platitudes are maddening. It’s like looking at someone with a compound fracture and telling them to just think happy thoughts and the bone will slide back into place.
It actually made me think about your mention of creative expression as a lifeline. For those of us running these kinds of internal marathons, that creative output feels more like a vital oxygen supply to stay grounded, and less like a hobby. I'd love to know... when the anxiety is spinning or the depression threatens to flatten everything, do you find it harder to get to the page, or does the writing become the very thing that helps you pull yourself out of the spiral?
Thank you for your kind words!
As far as your question — it’s an interesting one. Once the anxiety takes hold, it’s hard for me to “get out of my own head” and do anything creative. Sometimes I have the energy to force myself to start (after which it usually helps), sometimes not. It depends on how severe the attack is, and how soon I catch it.
thank you my dear Gordon thank you very much.
Thank you for this. What you've written is logical, relatable, and affirming for those of us who suffer from mental illness of any kind.
I have found that trying to explain any of this to my (extended) family exacerbates the symptoms until they are excessively debilitating. Being told to "just snap out of it," or "get over yourself," or "so what, I have a sore toe, but I don't let it stop me," does not help. In fact, it causes more anxiety and underscores the feelings of helplessness and fear.
We should, all of us, treat those with crippling mental illness with the same compassion, patience, and understanding that we treat someone with cancer, blindness, or MS. We need to bear in mind that no one asks for any illness, and we all want to be whole and healthy.
Thank you for sharing this, it is important for us to have a better understanding and more compassion for mental illness. I suffer from depression and anxiety which came to a head about 3 and a half years ago and thankfully I was prescribed a suitable SSRI, generally this manages my symptoms well although I do have good days and bad days. One of the side effects is weight gain and I’m currently heavier than I’ve ever been and find it difficult to lose it, but I also know that the benefit of the meds outweigh the weight gain. I do exercise regularly so I am relatively healthy. Anyway enough about me. Keep fighting, keep talking about it and I hope your asthma is something that can be controlled
I'm sorry you're having to live with that. I used to have agoraphobia with panic attacks and could barely leave my apartment. No amount of therapy seemed to help much. I was fortunate to eventually find a medication that worked for me, and it was completely life-changing. No more panic attacks. I'm still anxious, but between the medication and therapy, I can lead a relatively normal life now.